It was the most daunting challenge I had ever faced when I first stepped into a leadership role. Confronted by imposter syndrome and a nagging lack of confidence, I doubted my knowledge and abilities, feeling haunted by constant comparisons to others.

I did not take the traditional educational route into technology. After dropping out of high school, I dove straight into work. Despite not holding a university degree, my passion for technology was ignited early on, particularly when I fiddled with my brother’s clunky Apple Macintosh in 1996. Circumstances shifted, and I found myself driven to push my limits and improve. Between 2013 and 2014, I decided to pivot my career entirely, determined to make a meaningful impact despite starting from scratch.

In 2019, I embraced an opportunity to experience people leadership during a transformative period for our organisation. Stepping into a team of highly experienced engineers, I felt both overwhelmed and invigorated by the chance to learn from such talented individuals. Throughout this journey, I’ve been fortunate to have the support of mentors like Katrina Clokie & Dave Nunes, who guided me and helped identify ‘imposter syndrome’, I struggled with for years.

This path has been marked by lessons in trusting myself, compassion and understanding the true nature of feedback. I’ve learned that my empathy and humility, deeply embedded in my culture, are strengths, not weaknesses. Often misinterpreted in professional environments, these qualities are influential elements of my leadership style.

While challenging, this narrative of growth and learning has left me profoundly grateful for the experiences and people who have shaped my journey in technology leadership.

#1: The Imposter Bunny

This wee troublemaker often jumps around in your mind, always sitting on your shoulder, whispering doubts. As a Pacifica rainbow wahine in tech and a leader, I’ve faced a fair few challenges, including the persistent imposter syndrome fuelled by systemic stereotypes about people like me. How do you handle this? Have you ever heard the saying about water off a duck’s back? For years, I believed that was how to deal with dismissive comments or ignorance. I was even told to “harden up and get on with it.” But when someone tells you just to toughen up, it strips away your sense of security, leaving you without psychological safety. This advice made me wonder if something was fundamentally wrong with me, making me constantly second-guess myself.

Imposter syndrome is rife, particularly among minorities and women in male-dominated fields like technology. For Pacific Island women like me, the experience is even more acute due to the multiple layers of marginalisation. I want to share some facts and personal experiences that are crucial to recognising as they occur:

  • Isolation and Underrepresentation: As a Pacific Island wahine(woman), I often felt like the only person from my background in the room. This isolation can amplify feelings of inadequacy, which it did for me. The lack of representation makes it even more challenging to shake off those persistent doubts about belonging.
  • Stereotypes and Bias: From my journey, I’ve learned that stereotypes about gender and ethnic roles can exacerbate imposter syndrome. As a Pacific woman, I’ve encountered doubts about my technical abilities and leadership potential. For instance, when I mention my roles as an engineering manager, QA engineer, or performance engineer, the reaction is often one of surprise—not the norm for what people expect from someone like me.
  • Cultural Expectations: The cultural values of humility and community, prevalent in Pacific cultures, often clash with the assertiveness typically expected in tech or corporate roles. Reflecting on previous discussions, my natural humility and gentleness were seen as weaknesses, and my emotional expression was too often misinterpreted as a professional flaw.
  • Micro-aggressions are subtle and often unintentional discriminatory comments or behaviours that chip away at our confidence over time. Daily micro-aggressions, like offhand comments about your background, can steadily erode self-assurance. A study by the Centre for Work-Life Policy found that 64% of women in STEM fields have experienced micro-aggressions, highlighting how pervasive and damaging these experiences can be.

Overcoming the Imposter Bunny

Navigating the tech industry as a Pacifica rainbow wahine comes with its own set of hurdles, but I’ve found ways to turn these challenges into opportunities for growth. One gem of wisdom from a mentor was to start each day with an affirmation. She gave me the best approach through creating a space where you can read the thanks, appreciation, feedback, achievements and gratitude from people about you. It can be a simple digital folder or a journal, and it’s where I gather positive vibes to start my day right. Mindfulness and self-care have also become non-negotiable, helping me stay centred and resilient amidst the chaos of a tech environment.

I’ve learned the importance of actively seeking out constructive feedback — it’s been a game-changer in how I improve and evolve. Having a circle of trusted mentors and celebrating every little win, no matter how small has bolstered my confidence and reminded me that progress, in any form, is valuable. Moreover, embracing vulnerability has been a challenging but rewarding part of my journey. It’s about building trust and finding strength in openness, allowing me to connect more deeply with colleagues and friends. These strategies have made my tech journey more manageable and far more fulfilling.

#2: Self-confidence and Perception 

It is fascinating how much of our confidence is intertwined with perception, which, let’s face it, is often just our thoughts echoing inside our heads. I’ve noticed something interesting about email communication — depending on how a message is phrased, it can be misinterpreted, leading us down a rabbit hole of misguided perceptions. This has made me reflect on how I view myself, the expectations I believe others have of me, and how I choose to show up in the world.

Here are some common hurdles I faced when struggling with self-confidence:

  • Self-doubt: This often manifests as a constant questioning of our abilities and decisions.
  • Avoiding challenges: Shying away from new opportunities or responsibilities due to fear of failure.
  • Negative internal dialogue: That inner voice that diminishes my worth.
  • Stereotype pressure: Feeling compelled to act a certain way due to societal stereotypes can hinder performance and lower self-esteem.
  • Seeking external validation: I am guilty of this, especially relying on opinions from those I trust to gauge my worth.

Strategies That Helped Me Along the Way

Reflection has been a vital tool in overcoming these challenges. Here are some strategies that have helped me along the way:

  • Self-awareness: Recognising what triggers your self-doubt is crucial. For me, journaling is a powerful way to process these triggers, while my wife prefers mindfulness practices.
  • Reframing negative thoughts: Inspired by Brené Brown’s advice in ‘Daring Greatly’, I try to talk to myself as I would to someone I love. This means replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations.
  • Seeking constructive feedback: Asking for specific feedback helps focus on growth and improvement rather than dwelling on criticisms.
  • Curiosity and empathy: Approaching problems with curiosity and empathy can sometimes be challenging, but it’s essential to pause, reflect, and respond thoughtfully.
  • Embracing vulnerability is a big one for me. Communication is critical, and creating an environment where vulnerability is welcomed allows for authentic expression and the embrace of your unique leadership style.

Navigating the journey of self-confidence involves embracing these strategies and continuously learning from our experiences. Let’s keep the conversation going and support each other in becoming strong and confident leaders.

#3: Flight or Freeze Response

I faced a year of receiving feedback that often felt more critical than constructive. Battling my own imposter syndrome demons, I felt surrounded by critical judgments whenever I was in a room feeling cornered. The conversations were tough, and I would sometimes freeze, overwhelmed to the point where I felt I was about to burst into tears during a meeting. My response was to get up, leave, and walk away. I’m not proud of that behaviour, and I’m certainly not justifying it, but it was a part of my journey to understanding my triggers and dealing with my doubts and issues.

This response can be triggered in modern life by non-threatening stressors such as work pressures or personal conflicts.

Recognising the Flight or Freeze Response

Here are some strategies I have found helpful:

  • Mindfulness and Self-Observation: Practicing mindfulness helps you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and how your body reacts. This heightened awareness can help you notice when you start feeling anxious, stressed, or overwhelmed, which can signal a trigger.
  • Recognising Physical Symptoms: Pay attention to physical symptoms like an increased heartbeat, muscle tension, or shallow breathing—these are often your body’s responses to stress.
  • Behavioural Triggers: Analyse your behaviour and reactions in different situations. This is where self-awareness and self-reflection come into play. Look for avoidance, aggression, or withdrawal patterns, which may indicate what triggers you.
  • Feedback and Reflective Questions: We’ve discussed the importance of constructive feedback from others, but self-reflection is just as crucial. Reflecting on how you respond to feedback and what triggers your flight or freeze responses can be enlightening.

Understanding these mechanisms has helped me better manage my responses and build resilience. Recognising and addressing these triggers has become critical to my personal and professional development.

To Cap Off

Imposter syndrome is a persistent problem, especially for minorities and women in male-dominated fields like technology. Systemic stereotypes, underrepresentation, stereotypes, cultural expectations, and micro-aggressions exacerbate it.

Self-confidence, on the other hand, is closely linked to perception, which internal thoughts and external communication can influence.

Finally, critical feedback can trigger a flight or freeze response, leading to overwhelming emotions and avoidance behaviours.

In the words of Brené Brown,

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Daring Greatly, Brene brown

Let’s hold onto this wisdom as we navigate our tech careers and challenges. Let’s dare to be vulnerable, to be true, and to be courageous ourselves.

As we close this blog post, I want to leave you with a thought that’s both a reminder and a call to action. Embracing our whole selves — our doubts, fears, and strengths — is not about achieving perfection. It’s about acknowledging where we are, appreciating how far we’ve come, and recognising the limitless places we can go when we trust ourselves and lean into our vulnerabilities.